The 12-year itch??

I found this while scouring the news sites today...

It's another one of those opinion pieces that talks about relationships and everything else that goes wrong when males & females try to coexist when they're too rigid in their thinking. I've reproduced the piece in full as the link will probably be cut in a week or so.

Look out for 12-year itch boys
January 04, 2007 12:00am

TRADITIONALLY it may be the man who gets on bended knee and asks The Question but statistically it is the woman who 12 years later decides she's had enough and files for divorce.

Married couples - like smokers - are becoming a minority in a world where divorce affects about one in every three couples. According to a new report it is still the woman who initiates separation, while men tick the "I don't know" box as to why their marriage ended.

A University of Queensland study examined the gender differences between men and women and found women were not only more likely to initiate separation - they were also more inclined to cite more reasons for the breakdown.

Cue the cartoon of the baffled man shrugging his shoulders while his weary wife packs her bags, according to Relationships Australia's Anne Hollonds, who admits it might be a stereotypical image but one defined by statistics.

"It is hard to generalise because every situation is different but sometimes if a woman is taking action it is a sign she has been thinking about it for a while and she is ready, which can then take the bloke by surprise," she explains.

"That can then make it harder for him in that he doesn't feel in control, and then there is sadness and bitterness and anger on both sides."

The $3 billion wedding industry is a moneyspinner that is not going out of fashion anytime soon. Despite the cold, hard statistics men are still asking the question and women are still saying yes -- 100,000 couples every year say "I do".

But on average about 12 years later 64 per cent of women will start divorce proceedings.

The "It's not you - it's me" rationalisation dolled out to stunned men might be an easy way out but the University of Queensland academics conclude that, in some circumstances, the woman is not walking away because she is unhappy - but because the marriage is making her husband or her children miserable.

"Thus it appears that wives' greater monitoring of and responsibility for the quality of relationships paradoxically extends to taking responsibility for ending the marriage in circumstances where they perceive that their husband or children are being adversely affected," the densely worded report reads.

Ms Hollonds translates that to meaning women are still the caretakers of a relationship - even if that caretaking comes in the guise of guiding the demise of the marriage.

"Women are more likely to be the initiators for counselling, they are more likely to ring for a doctor for their husband; they are more likely to take action," Ms Hollonds said.

"It goes back to what is traditionally the woman's role; they are the ones who take control, to do things for the family is seen as women's work.

"This isn't to suggest that the men are completely happy, but women are more likely to be active around the issue of what is happening to the marriage because they are more familiar with the role.

"Men work longer hours or drink more with their mates rather than deal with the reality of what is happening, whereas women are more able to face facts and that requires a lot of thought and planning.

"Sometimes they have to do things on their own because things have deteriorated to such an extent that they can't engage their partner and he can remain in denial. That's why some men say they had no idea what was happening."

Women are twice as likely as men to initiate separation, according to the report, and are happier in following years, with the research indicating the spouse who initiated the break-up has a more positive attitude to divorce, is more able to articulate why the marriage ended and can see more alternatives.

Clinical psychologist Grant Brecht said it can come down to classic lack of communication with women analysing relationships to pieces with their friends while the husbands then miss their emotional cues.

"Sometimes the women will then communicate from an emotional state and the men will then write it off as them being emotional," he said.

"In more cases than not, men - no matter what they say - make their priority work and they will put in long hours where females are often left to organise socialising. Women will put more effort into nesting and trying to make relationships working while they are organising dinner parties and feeding and bathing the kids."

A recent Relationships Australia survey found when it comes to improving a relationship, men tended to nominate unoriginal actions such as "doing nice things" and "cooking", while women picked more practical measures like "trying to get issues out in the open".

Ironically the same survey found only 10 per cent of couples surveyed were worried about the future of their relationship, 22 per cent were "not very worried" and 68 per cent were "not at all worried".

So despite the sour statistics, rose-coloured relationship beginnings still have roots in optimism - either that or denial.

Author unknown.

I went to post a reply to the article but it seems that it is limited to 1,200 characters. I don't think I can write anything that short anymore....

In any case - feel free to tell me I'm wrong if you disagree. I'm always wrong anyway when it comes to a disagreement with a female - I'm used to it.

I have a theory (it may be wrong seeing as I'm an eternal bachelor and can think for myself).

Look at the relationships of people you've known & met over the years - what is something that is consistent in relationships in various age groups?

Young blokes: find a bird that will give him the sex he wants and he will be happy to float along and be content being with her until there is a threat that she's going to leave whereupon he will make a move. This move may be any one of the following: moving in together; getting engaged; getting married; having kids; taking an overseas holiday; buying a house together. Any one of these things or more and not necessarily in this order.

What does it tell you... It says that a bloke can find contentment and stability very easily. Of course, it also indicates that your average Aussie bloke is quick to take the woman for granted.

When does the bloke make a move? When the woman is getting itchy about their "relationship".

What does *this* tell you? It says that women, by and large, need to have progression in their lives. Something to keep the juices flowing (so to speak) and keep the relationship alive. There needs to be change: home renovations; career; engagements; marriage; kids; things to keep one's mind active and interesting. Of course, having a few kids also means having no time to be bored or to think about the relationship going nowhere unless the bloke is one of these typical cowards who thinks it's OK to beat up on a woman.

It all comes back to stability trying to cohabitate with change. If one member of the pairing gets slack and doesn't put their fair share in, the other *WILL* notice and people know that life is too short to hang around and waste your time with someone who doesn't think the way the partner does.

Then it delves into the area of legal theft where the "justice" system (term used VERY loosely) is heavily weighed against the bloke and he could face all sorts of penalties depending on how rabid the woman wants to be when she leaves - particularly if there are kids involved.

The solution...

Blokes: think with big head instead of little head and wonder if you're up to the challenge of keeping life interesting for someone who will change the 'rules' at every opportunity. Just because you do something good in 1998 - it's not going to carry you through until the day you die.

Women: Be a bit more selective about who you let into your beds. My observations show that young women all want the pretty little bad boys with their tiny little tattoos and their pretend 'attitude' who will treat you like dirt and not like a lady (then again, not many women act like ladies now anyway...).

It seems that those of us who get our acts together and have a few houses, few debts, a business, can run our lives and haven't gone in for the one-night-stand routine aren't wanted until that old biological clock starts ticking and suddenly the useless bad boy with no brains and no future isn't that great a catch anymore. Well, guess what - you leave us sitting on the sidelines for long enough, we work out that most of the women out there aren't worth finding after you've been through that emotional wringer a few times.

The REAL solution....

Blokes: GROW UP! Don't buy that stupid 6-cylinder clunker with the big exhaust or spend huge amounts of money on toy cars. Spend the money on your future and invest. Have some self-discipline and train yourself to treat others with respect and honour and one day you might actually grow up to be a 'man'.

Women: Have some self-respect and don't reward the cretins of this world by giving them the goodies they desire betwixt your thighs when they haven't worked for it. Hint: Using the "when in Rome" theory and becoming a drug-taking drunkard like most blokes out there DOESN'T make you a catch except for someone with bloody low standards. Stand up for yourselves. Be strong and independent and don't expect the world to change constantly to keep *you* happy.

What does the fault boil down to? Laziness. Sloth. Apathy. Both men and women in this country practice it and things will never get better while you indulge.

If you think that I'm just a rambling idiot in the darkness - check out some articles by Doug Giles. Makes damn good sense this bloke. I reckon that any bloke that earns the hand of one of his daughters in the future will have earned it and will get a smart, articulate, independent and extremely desirable woman in his life.