Noah to build an Ark in Australia

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Melbourne, Australia, as an illegal immigrant and said,

"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying,

"You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".

Noah was dubious about the project, because unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights is normal in Melbourne, but he knew he must bow to the will of the Lord.

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his revered quarter acre section....but no ark.

"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "but things have changed. I needed a
building consent from the council,. I've been arguing with the FESA about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the zoning laws by building the Ark on my property and exceeding the height limitations. We then had to go to Arbitration for a decision.

Then the electricity companies demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. The Greens have placed a ban on cutting local timber in order to save the Koala . I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the birds. But no go!

When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Aborigines have forbidden the project to continue unless witchetty grubs are permitted on the Ark and indigenous tribes own half the Ark after I have designed and built it. I also have to agree to pay $150 Billion for depriving Aboriginals of traditional lands by means of inundation, which they allege, is simply a case of "holy colonization".

I am bogged down in further negotiations on multimillion payments for rights to sail the Ark on the seas of The Pacific. Other Aboriginals tribes have sued me because they allege the Ark is a European version of the Aboriginal ancient canoe and they have appealed to the Aboriginal Cultural Tribunal to declare it sacred.

Then the Environmental Court ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many Aborigines I'm supposed to hire for my building crew and the requirement for separate female toilets in case I hire a woman. Also, the trade unions say I can't use my sons.

They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience, and they expect a day in lieu if we work weekends or public holidays plus holiday day pay and rain allowances.

OSH has decreed each employee must be equipped with a life jacket and personal life raft even though we are building on the mountain. When I pointed this out, they made me provide ice axes and climbing boots for each employee and their families, and harnesses because I was working over 3 metres in height.

To make matters worse, the Tax Department seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

At first the Liberal government was in favour of my project because it created building jobs on our mountain. Then they were shocked by an opinion poll which revealed that 99% of all Australians opposed a devastating flood, and after an emergency cabinet meeting, John Howard announced that the coalition had never favoured floods as a means of solving problems and was totally opposed to the project (unless future opinion polls revealed popular support for the Ark).

She said "God should sit down and talk sensibly about the issues."

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked,

"You mean, You're not going to destroy the world?".
"No," said the Lord. "The Australian Government beat me to it."