Well... seeing as I'm not very good at lying, I will 'fess up right from the word go that I am going to steal the idea of the 'TMI Files' from my mate Nilknarf.
I figure that my mates have pretty much had a gutful of me whinging about not being able to find a woman that can tolerate me, so I'll dump it on that poor sod that reads my blog (whomever you are - sorry about this :)
Well... my score now stands at none for 6. That's not bad when you consider that I'm not really trying that hard to drive people away.
I registered on a dating site (NO! Not RSVP or AMM - bleh :P ) about 2 months ago as I figured that someone isn't going to magically turn up and that I need to actually go looking and that maybe someone on there is going to be desperate enough to want someone like me. HA! More fool me.
Still, one has to at least try this sometime as a friend (she's #2) that I was interested in did say to find someone younger and with less baggage. The problem there being that this friend is still the pick of the crop because she is nobody's fool -- but I took her advice and respected her wishes and started my search anyway.
I don't know about anyone else who has tried this, but I seem to find an extraordinary number of women who are looking for someone with a particular build and has integrity and honesty and caring etc etc etc (qualities which I believe I have) yet I seem to consistently find those who are too busy in their lives to have someone else there after their careers and such (not counting #2 from above - I have nothing negative to say about her! She remembers herself as she was 10 years ago - I only knew her as she is now and I still say that she is the choice selection! :)
I will keep trying but I long for the day when I find a woman who means what she says and says what she means.
If I'm not good enough: say so.
If you've found someone better: say so.
If you're looking for someone short, skinny, weak, domineering and dishonourable: say so.
Just don't LIE about what you want so that you can appear superior to your girlfriends or appear to have your head altogether with what you want. If you want a bloke who talks shit and can't do anything useful with his life other than work on his crappy car worth all of $300 with $5,000 wheels on it, then don't write a profile that says that you want a bloke who won't make you cry; will be honest and caring; and won't try to bang you up the arse in a public park!
Say what you mean - mean what you say.
It just seems to me that women pretend to want a bloke that will treat her with respect and dignity and like a lady - but when he comes along, he is the LAST thing they want.
(again - friend from above.... #2 of the 6 (so far) is NOT included in the group-of-liars :) Just thought I'd better qualify that....
Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong in my points but experience is teaching me different.
8 comments:
I know one wonderful couple, now married with one little bub: they met via a dating service (not the Internet variety). It was the last introduction for my girlfriend, and then she was going to try other "meeting people" options. Turned out she didn't need to.
The important points about this utterly improbable meeting and marriage: both of them were genuinely looking for a life time partner; both were "getting on" in age (the clock was ticking, in other words); both were well established financially; both were actively taking the risk of meeting total strangers, in the hope of finding "the one".
The first point in that list is the most important; the other points are more of a pragmatic nature.
Very likely you are meeting women (so far) who are "shopping".
You know what (some) women are like when they're shopping Jai?
I say "some" women, since I'm not overly fond of shopping, browsing, wasting my time, I'm more the hunter killer shopper: walk in, identify item, buy it, walk out; if item not identified, walk out. That's it. I understand that there are lots of women who DON'T shop like that, instead, they browse; they browse at anything, including stuff they will never need or want in their life time, or stuff they will never be able to afford (or they could, if only they had the discipline to set goals, or even knew what they wanted).
See, it sounds as though you have so far met a few mindless browsers, tire kickers, if you prefer.
You'll need to work you way through quite a few tire kickers before you meet a genuine buyer.
DON'T get discouraged! Think of my two friends: a mere 2 years ago, they were both adrift with no end in sight, then they met, not by chance, but via an agency introduction, now they are married, with a son. I marvel every time I see them how improbable was their meeting and how perfectly it all fell into place. Really!
I'm not really that discouraged as I know there are good ones out there - albeit good ones that have been emotionally drained by the dropkicks of this world.
I'm just tired of the time-wasters.
My life isn't about flitting about and doing a little bit of this here and seeing what is that over there and then maybe just sort-of floating about a bit to see what happens.
The problem is that while I may not get discouraged, I do get bloody annoyed and say "stuff it" and devote my time and energies to things that WILL reap some sort of benefit to my (or someone elses) life.
I don't mind if someone considers themselves to be "damaged goods" because of what some fool has done to them because I think it helps to show the woman that she is important enough to stick by her while she's getting through the tough times. I've done it before and I'll probably have to do it again. Why? Because there is a job to be done and a goal in mind - no mindless flitting and farting about.
I know that last para sounded bad but I get pretty blunt when I get annoyed.
I'm still looking a little bit but it really is a total and complete waste of my time to put any major energy and effort into it. I'd happily get a Russian Bride out of a breadline if I thought for a second that she wasn't being controlled by the Russian Mafia and only coming here to take everything I have.
Thanks for the positive note though - every little bit helps :)
How about we go with "tyre kickers". :-D
I knew the spelling didn't look right. Do'h.
I guess my real point is: you do need to be purposeful about the task, it probably won't happen by chance, especially once you get to a certain age, it needs to be a focused and directed search. In addition, very few of the women you meet will necessarily have that same purpose. They may be looking, but it's tyre kicking; a lot of men are doing the same, of course.
It's a coincidence of wants and timing, which sounds like a long shot, and it is, in its own way, but you shorten the odds by actively aiming for the goal, not by ignoring it and hoping that "something" will happen, "some day". I really think you've taken a good step by putting yourself out there on the Internet, that's one formal avenue, among numerous others. Being active about it is crucial, even if it may feel pointless, or uncomfortable, at times.
Besides, even if you do have a meeting of hearts, some day, by chance, at least you're learning about yourself and about women in the mean time, and that's of value in itself.
I'm just glad that you've decided to get more active about the hunt. :-D
P.S - yeah, I know you already know yourself well, and you have a reasonable if cynical handle on women, but just being out there and meeting new folk can be interesting and / or entertaining, even if only for the sake of having a new set of anecdotes with which to amuse your friends.
Caz,
Actually, I have a somewhat cynical view of society in general. People (like myself?) who are genuine and are looking for someone that I can bring some form of enrichment of life to are often left waiting at the sidelines. It's the dirtbags who look good and think it's OK to smack a woman around and lie, cheat and deceive are the ones who are never single.
Society rewards those who have no honour or integrity.
I like to tell myself sometimes that these are the people who are going to be old and lonely someday when their looks have faded and they discover that they have nothing with which to attract members of the opposite sex.
I need some new anecdotes - friends know most of the old ones :) Trouble is that there are so many of them (anecdotes, I mean). I was reminded by my ex the other week of the time I slapped some kid in the back of the head in the movies because I told him that if he couldn't shut up then he could piss off. Then he told me to fuck off and I kinda got a bit annoyed at him and said that I will drag his arse outside and leave him in a heap.... :)
Then there was the farting in an elevator at work and blaming some other bloke - and getting away with it......
Here is something from another blogger...he seems to hit the nail right on the head with this...
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Here is how an IMMATURE woman declines an invitation from a man who is interested in her, when she is not interested:
Man: "Want to go out on Monday?"
Girl: "Oh I can't, I have gotta clean the house that day."
Man: "OK, how about Tuesday?"
Girl: "I have gotta do my daughterly duty and have dinner with my parents that night."
Man: "OK, Wednesday then?"
Girl: "um, I am busy that night too."
Here is how a MATURE woman declines the invitation:
Man: "Want to go out on Monday?"
Woman: "Thanks but no, sorry."
Man: "OK, no problem."
Notice how the MATURE woman is aware that there is no need to invent fake excuses, or to give any excuse or reason at all for declining. It is simply enough that she does not want to go out with this man. From this exchange, the man should be able to see that the woman is not interested, and that is the end of that.
Whereas notice how the IMMATURE woman puts the man in a difficult spot and forces him to make another invitation. Even if the man suspects that the excuse is fake, he does not want to presume that the woman is a liar. He wants to respect her, so he assumes that she is telling the truth -- and thus he is forced to make another invitation.
You might think that the immature woman is only doing it because she does not want to hurt the mans feelings. Even if this is true, it only reinforces the fact that she is immature. Firstly, it is arrogant to think that she is so fantastic that the man will be devastated to learn that she is not interested. What do you think you are, the worlds greatest woman who makes men cry when you reject them? Get a grip on reality, you are not THAT good.
Secondly, the man is going to realize that the excuses are fake and then could potentially be MORE upset or annoyed knowing that he was lied to / treated badly without deserving it. It is a triple-death-blow: Not only is she uninterested in him, but she is also willing to lie to him, and thinks that he is so stupid that he will not see that it is lies.
I HATE it when a woman is so immature that she does not even know how to decline an invitation properly. The only consolation is that I can think, "Well, if that is an example of her level of maturity, then it is probably best that I do not become involved with her anyway, as it would lead to other problems."
Really, inventing fake excuses is childish, not to mention dishonest and deceptive. If you just simply stick to the truth, it is easier for you and the other person. Stop playing childish mind-games and get some integrity! Are you such a spineless wimp that you cannot tell the truth and take responsibility for your own decisions? Making fake excuses is pretending that the decision is out of your control. Not being willing to take or admit responsibility for your decisions is a classic sign of immaturity.
What should the woman do if she really does have a genuine excuse? I should not have to explain this, it is obvious, work it out yourself. Oh very well. First she should decide whether she is interested in the man. If NO, then use the SAME mature declination that I show above. There is no need to state the excuse, even if it is genuine. Remember that stating the excuse will only lead to a another invitation on a different day because the man is assuming that the woman is truthful and she has not said that she is uninterested.
If YES (she IS interested but has a genuine excuse), then again it is NOT necessary to state any excuse or reason (people are entitled to have private reasons). So the conversation can go like this:
Man: "Want to go out on Monday?"
Woman: "I would like to but I cannot. Could we make it Thursday instead?"
Man: "OK, Thursday would be fine."
Or alternatively:
Man: "Want to go out on Monday?"
Woman: "I would like to but I cannot. Could we make it another day?"
Man: "Sure."
Woman: "OK, let me check my diary/organizer."
Or if it is not possible to make it another day, it is important to make it clear that you are open to future invitations to avoid the risk of it being interpreted as a fake excuse:
Man: "Want to go to the Rocking Pansies concert on Monday?"
Woman: "I would like to but I cannot. Perhaps we could do something else another day."
Man: "OK."
You would think that I was writing advice for teenagers, but I have seen women in their 20's and even 30's use the above-described immature technique. Sadly, some people live their whole lives without ever attaining maturity.
I do realize that the man and woman roles in these example conversations can be reversed, but I think it more commonly happens the way I have described.
Anon,
That is bloody good - I like that! :)
I bet the other blogger copped it for daring to suggest that females can be immature as well :)
Oh, if only people could be direct and honest like that. Can you imagine how much simpler life would be?
*dream*
You say that you've seen women in their 30's do that like it's rare. I've seen it more times than I care to count and it extends into their 40's as well.
I would like to say that it's a distinct minority that act like that but I've a mate who is Dutch and he says that most of the country is immature as there is no pressing need for people to grow up. Seemingly, the beer-swilling, responsibility-dodging culture lasts well into post-retirements years in Australia.
Jai, your mate is right. All you have to do is watch the news and see the parade of "adult" children who are always bleating about their "rights" while forgetting their responsibilities.
Grrrr.
I won't start on people who are too afraid to grow up, as I'll start foaming at the mouth and drooling and probably ruin another keyboard. :)
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