The LARK PROGRAM
A female libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the White House complaining about the treatment of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being held in Guantanamo Bay. She received back the following reply:
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Quaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in our letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.
We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually), since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka -- over time.
Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs" -- wasn't that how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember...we'll be watching.
Good luck!
Cordially, your friend,
Don Rumsfeld
[Note: obviously the letter wasn't written by Donald Rumsfeld but it reads better that way :) ]
5 comments:
That's classic - excellent work.
Excellent....
Thats is the way these bleeding hearts should be treated..:) BUT don't let them put their hands out for help from the government..:)
Libertarian? I think your contributor has confused liberal with libertarian. It is my understanding that libertarians believe that less government is better than more, and no government is probably better still. A libertarian believes that the government's best role is to do what only governments can do...wage war, build infrastructure, regulate large-scale civil processes. A government should not be asked to look after the individual unless the individual is too young, old, or ill to take care of himself. Lazy and stupid are not illnesses. Criminal behavior is not a sympton. You can do what you want as long as you don't hurt anyone else. You just better not squeak to me to clean up the mess you made. I will do as I like, as long as it doesn't hurt any one else, and I blessed well will deal with the consequences, positive AND negative. I thought that was libertarianism in a nutshell.
Rhonda
Hear, Hear!
Lazy and Stupid are NOT illnesses.
Criminal behaviour is NOT a symptom.
People have the ability to make decisions for themselves in this life and if they choose to either weigh up the options and ignore common bloody sense, or ignore the options altogether - then they can wear the consequences.
I was not placed on this planet in this lifetime to clean up the messes of those who are too lazy and ignorant to think for themselves. If you move to a place on this planet that is a recognised war zone and then claim to be a non-combatant: tough shit.
Switzerland is where neutrality lies - not Beirut!
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